For those of you who don’t know – I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And no, I do not just “think” I suffer from it, I have been diagnosed and treated for it. (well, treatment is actually ongoing.) For those of you who don’t know what OCD really is – maybe you just think it is compulsive hand washing, door locking etc…it is, but it is so much more.
Most people who suffer from OCD, suffer from obsessive/compulsive thoughts….thoughts of bad things happening to those they love or themselves, thoughts of self-doubt, overwhelming self-criticism, irrational fears etc. I will tell you that this has increased tenfold since I became a mom, but its always been there. When I was little I was terrified that my parents wouldn’t come home from work, one day going so far as to try to walk to my mom’s work when she was running late. I assure you that when my mother found me strolling along the very busy 9th street in Amarillo on route to her place of employment, that did NOT sit well with her. So instead I took to sitting on our neighbor’s fence in the alley where I could see the entrance to our sub-division. When I would see my mom’s mini-van round the bend I would go screeching back to the babysitter’s to grab my backpack and meet my mom at the garage…only to repeat this same ritual the very next day.
When I was in college I was convinced that I would be kidnapped, raped and murdered if I ventured out of the dorms after dark. I remember walking home from a frat party by myself one night (yes, I know – hello I was paranoid, not smart) and campus safety tried to offer me a ride. I freaked out and literally sprinted the mile back to the dorms sobbing and screaming the entire way back. Some poor guy tried to stop me to see if I was ok, and I shoved him down on the soccer field. (I think he was cute damnit! But I never did slow down to find out.)
When I went inexplicably blind in one eye when I was 23, let me tell ya -that unleashed a flurry of anxiety and self-doubt that you cannot even imagine. It didn’t help that the since the doctor’s had no clue what was going on, they just threw random diagnoses at me…multiple sclerosis, brain tumor, retinal cancer…so I didn’t even have to imagine the worst; it was spoon-fed to me by some of the medical field’s finest and I lapped it up like a thirsty puppy. I can clearly say that this when my OCD went absolutely out of control. Its ironic isn’t it? The problem with OCD is you want to control everything, but finding that you can’t causes your brain to go absolutely out of control…having a medical condition that no one can figure out or even name meant I was completely out of control.
And don’t even get me started about flying in airplane. The mere thought of that sends my brain into a tailspin…pardon the pun. I wish I could explain in words the terror and fear that flying sends through my heart and mind, but I can’t. There are simply no words. And the thing I fear most is that I really am doomed to die in a plane crash and I will take all of those innocent people with me. I can’t even look at other people when I fly….I have to sit facing forward (no risk of looking out the window), with my eyes closed and I cannot talk to anyone. If I break my concentration on nothing, then my mind goes haywire. The panic starts, the hives, the hyperventilating…God I really wish I were exaggerating. When I flew back from Durango last May we went over the mountains and through a spring thunderstorm in a very small plane. I completely panicked…the woman next to me freaked out and called the flight attendant. I had to breathe into a paper bag, my face was covered in hives so huge people actually gave me looks of horror by the time I stumbled out of the plane, wheezing, sobbing and apologizing incoherently to the rest of the passengers for almost killing them.
Being a mom has elevated my OCD to a new level. Absolutely every horrid news story I see my mind goes to…you guessed it, “What if this were to happen to Nolan?” Then I imagine it…and I get so upset that I freak out and panic. But it doesn’t just have to be a news story – it can be him slipping in the bath as kids are prone to do, bumping his head, scraping his knee, etc. Its overwhelming at times. My husband knows about it and can tell when its flaring up because he gets VERY reassuing VERY quickly. But its always there in the back of my mind…nagging me with the “What ifs? Whens? and Hows?” Its not just being a worrywart…I literally cannot shut my brain off or for that matter – shut it up. I haven’t quite figured out how to duct tape my brain shut – so instead I pop a pill once a day and it helps tremendously.
Why am I admitting my craziness to the greater blogging world? Because I think if you met me (for those of you who don’t know me) you would never guess that I am mentally ill. Obessive Compulsive Disorder is a mental illness. People (including myself) throw words around like “crazy”, “gone mental”, “psycho” etc. But having a mental illness doesn’t make you a leper or a freak of nature…its a condition that needs to be monitored by a doctor and medicated if necessary; not unlike high blood pressure, high cholesterol or a wonky thyroid. Its just your brain that has gone a little wonky…and frankly your brain is the most important organ in your body so its not a bad idea to take care of it and get it the help it needs.
So this has been your FYI on OCD…now if you will excuse me, I need to go quadruple check the locks on my door before turning in for the night.
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